Keep Austin Weird

2011 Funky Chicken Coop Tour

The Unwritten Rules of Austin

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

• All directions start with 'Go down Mopac...'cause you don't want to get on I-35.'
  Burnet Road, Braker Lane, and Lamar Boulevard have no beginning and no end.
  
• It is impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a scenic drive.
  
• The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
  
• If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a burnt-orange hue. This is Longhorn Country, after all.
  
• If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell Tag around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. Ninety-eight percent of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says 'Michael Dell', Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, and put their face to the ground.
  
• Just remember that Mopac is Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy is 360; and U.S.183 is Research Blvd., Anderson Lane, Ed Bluestein Blvd. and Old Bastrop Hwy. 2222 is Northland Dr. or Allendale Rd. or Koenig Lane. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
  
• DO NOT attempt to access any road during an apocalyptic event like snow or SXSW (South by Southwest Music Convention) or the ACL Fest or any one of the myriad running marathons held in Austin each year. Construction on I-35 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!
  
• DO NOT correct my pronunciation when I say I live in Manchaca, TX . It's pronounced MAN-chack. Also realize that the city of Manchaca (MANchack) is in Hays and Travis Counties, and there is also a very long street in Austin named Manchaca (MANchack)! The city of Manor and Manor Rd. are pronounced 'MAY-ner'. We don't like corrections on that either. And, for God's sake, DON'T pronounce the 'E' at the end of Guadalupe. It's Gwada-LOOP and we like it that way!
  
• Burnet Road is pronounced BURN-it, not Bur-NET. Koenig Lane is pronounced KAE-nig not KOE-nig. The old airport (Robert Mueller) is pronounced Robert Miller and is on Airport Boulevard . The new airport (Austin-Bergstrom) is no where near Airport Boulevard. It's in the city of Del Valle pronounced Dell Valley!
  
• Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed 'hippie' in worn-out sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.
  
• Stay away from the Congress Ave. bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. (Largest Mexican Free Tail Bat Population in the US.)
  
• And, yes, we all know that there's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress Ave. It's Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do. (Surely, you have a homeless, celebrity drag queen that likes to run for Mayor where you live, too, right?)